Drink Piece – No Holds Barred

No Holds Barred

Hey, guys! Look at this! Actual content! Well, sort of. Long before we started casting pods, we were watching bad movies and making themed cocktails just because we’re sadists / alcoholics. For our own benefit we decided to keep track of what we watched and what we drank, and since it’s all thematically apt, we’re going to start posting some of these previous creations here as Drink Pieces. These are all movies we have no plans (or desire) to ever revisit, so hopefully none of these drinks will ever turn up again in any capacity. ANYHOW!

Our first Drink Piece comes from way back in April of 2014 when we felt compelled for some reason to watch a movie produced by the WWE (née WWF) entitled No Holds Barred starring future Gawker bankrupter Hulk Hogan. Hogan stretches his tanned veiny acting chops in his starring role as Rip Thomas, a World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Champion. Rip Torn must resist the contract offers of a sleazy executive (Kurt Fuller, masterfully playing against type) and fight Tiny Lister in a televised wrestling match or something.

Never watch this movie.

I can’t stress this enough. Never watch this. Even if you are one of the statistically few people who would feel intense arousal in your loins at seeing Hulk Hogan’s glistening leathery form writhing around in a pair of tiny bikini briefs, never watch this. This is perhaps the second ugliest movie I have ever had the misfortune of viewing (more on the first later), and the glorious 1080p transfer on Blu-ray marvelously exposes the detail and texture of every shit-encrusted backroom featured here.

That said, the drinks were juxtapositionally enjoyable! Keeping the tremendous thematic importance of conflict, we present two diametrically opposed drinks. On the left, satisfy what remaining sweet teeth that have not been pummeled from your jaw with the No Bars Held (cider, spiced rum, and lemonade ice cubes)! On the right, perform a Doublehand Choke Lift on your liver and heart with the Coffee Thunder (coffee, Baileys, Kahlua, and raspberry ice cubes)!

I know, they’re a little basic, but they’re also both infinitely easier to stomach than the scene where some guy shits his pants after Hulk Hogan’s Rip Taylor pulls him out of a limo and holds him aloft like baby Simba on Pride Rock. Really, given the prevalence of that sort of nastiness, just be glad we didn’t theme a drink after the feculent public restroom two nebbish businessmen use early in the movie. God. My biggest regret in life is paying $5 to own this cinematic offal on Blu-ray.

Seriously, never watch this movie.

– Brendan

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