Drink Piece – No Holds Barred

Hey, guys! Look at this! Actual content! Well, sort of. Long before we started casting pods, we were watching bad movies and making themed cocktails just because we’re sadists / alcoholics. For our own benefit we decided to keep track of what we watched and what we drank, and since it’s all thematically apt, we’re going to start posting some of these previous creations here as Drink Pieces. These are all movies we have no plans (or desire) to ever revisit, so hopefully none of these drinks will ever turn up again in any capacity. ANYHOW!

Our first Drink Piece comes from way back in April of 2014 when we felt compelled for some reason to watch a movie produced by the WWE (née WWF) entitled No Holds Barred starring future Gawker bankrupter Hulk Hogan. Hogan stretches his tanned veiny acting chops in his starring role as Rip Thomas, a World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Champion. Rip Torn must resist the contract offers of a sleazy executive (Kurt Fuller, masterfully playing against type) and fight Tiny Lister in a televised wrestling match or something.

Never watch this movie.

I can’t stress this enough. Never watch this. Even if you are one of the statistically few people who would feel intense arousal in your loins at seeing Hulk Hogan’s glistening leathery form writhing around in a pair of tiny bikini briefs, never watch this. This is perhaps the second ugliest movie I have ever had the misfortune of viewing (more on the first later), and the glorious 1080p transfer on Blu-ray marvelously exposes the detail and texture of every shit-encrusted backroom featured here.

That said, the drinks were juxtapositionally enjoyable!

 

No Holds Barred

 

Keeping the tremendous thematic importance of conflict, we present two diametrically opposed drinks. On the left, satisfy what remaining sweet teeth that have not been pummeled from your jaw with the No Bars Held (cider, spiced rum, and lemonade ice cubes)! On the right, perform a Doublehand Choke Lift on your liver and heart with the Coffee Thunder (coffee, Baileys, Kahlua, and raspberry ice cubes)!

I know, they’re a little basic, but they’re also both infinitely easier to stomach than the scene where some guy shits his pants after Hulk Hogan’s Rip Taylor pulls him out of a limo and holds him aloft like baby Simba on Pride Rock. Really, given the prevalence of that sort of nastiness, just be glad we didn’t theme a drink after the feculent public restroom two nebbish businessmen use early in the movie. God. My biggest regret in life is paying $5 to own this cinematic offal on Blu-ray.

Seriously, never watch this movie.

– Brendan

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6.5 – Taking a Gap Year

This week, sit in with two-thirds of the Drat Pack (thoughts and prayers to the absent Chris) as they see if they have the same dynamic while functioning at 66%! Banter with Brendan and Leigh as they muse about the gaps in their personal film histories and why they don’t really care about seeing Quentin Tarantino movies. A light minisode gives way to an even lighter and frothier movie to come, so get your martini glasses ready and your gag reflexes suppressed! Consider giving us some ratings on iTunes and Stitcher, follower our sad little twitter account @whywatchpodcast, and like us at facebook.com/whywatchpodcast.

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6 – Tomorrowland

What a bleak and horrible present we live in! Whatever happened to the optimistic vision of the future the Disney company promised us back in the 1950s? Well, very small parts of it are alive but not necessarily well in Brad Bird’s 2015 movie Tomorrowland. Join the Why Watch gang and our special guest Brendan Nystedt as we discuss the evils of pessimism, the confusing history of Tomorrowland, and that whole objectivism thing that always shows up with Brad Bird’s movies. Also, make our own futures a little brighter and follow us @whywatchpodcast on twitter and like us at facebook.com/whywatchpodcast.

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5.5 – Upvote the Women

This week the Drat Pack gets down and dirty (ew, not like that) with women in movies. Join as we talk about the good, the bad, and the future of women in film. And who knows, as we reveal our next movie, that future might be here sooner than we think… TOMORROW, perhaps? As always, we very politely ask that you please rate us on iTunes or Stitcher, like us at facebook.com/whywatchpodcast, follow us on Twitter @whywatchpodcast, and support the talented ladies who work in the film industry.

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5 – Southland Tales

Celebrate the birth of America with the most confusing and apocalyptic vision of its end! Richard Kelly’s sprawling 2006 saga Southland Tales is perhaps the most bizarre and challenging film the Why Watch crew has seen so far, but we stayed up until 1 AM diagramming it on a big white board just so we could make sense of it all. If you enjoy discussions of morality, Biblical allusions, and SNL actors doing things you might not expect SNL actors to do, then this is the episode for you! If you have time on your day off, rate us on iTunes or Stitcher, like us at facebook.com/whywatchpodcast, follow us on Twitter @whywatchpodcast, and consider watching some classic July 4th films like The Music Man or The Warriors!

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4.5 – The Occasional Merit of Remakes

Ugh, those HOLLYWOOD HACKS can’t stop with these remakes, are we right? The three of us get together over drinks this week to discuss the nature of remakes and put forward those that we think have different sorts of worth. We also reveal the movie chosen to celebrate America for our Fourth of July extravaganza (hint: it is the craziest movie we have seen in a very long time) and put forth yet another drink recipe for your viewing pleasure. If you like what we do, rate us on iTunes or Stitcher, like us at facebook.com/whywatchpodcast, follow us on Twitter @whywatchpodcast, and give us hugs if you see any of us in person.

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4 – Jack the Giant Slayer

This week the Why Watch crew is joined by an old friend and guest from the west Meghan Coyne as we tackle Jack the Giant Slayer, a film from 2013 featuring CGI from the late 90s. Our hang up with dual protagonists comes back with a vengeance in this almost-perfect execution of that Holy Grail. Speaking of holy, monks worship beanstalks?! Also, Albion is England?! Listen to find out, or more likely be just as confused as we are. Don’t forget to follow us @whywatchpodcast on twitter and at facebook.com/whywatchpodcast on Facebook.

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3.5 – Emotional Commotion

Do you fear change? Well, apparently Leigh, Brendan, and Chris are at least okay with it, as they decide to try something slightly different with this mini episode. After introducing what our new movie will be, Leigh prompts a discussion about how movies make you feel certain emotions and whether or not this means a movie is doing something well. Join us as we attempt to answer this impromptu question and provide a drink recipe with actual proportions for once. As always, find us @whywatchpodcast on Twitter and at facebook.com/whywatchpodcast and give us love / grief.

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3 – Bunraku

In our third episode, we tackle the big questions, like “What went wrong with Bunraku?” and “Why did you make us sit through Bunraku?” and “What is this movie you keep calling Bunraku?” Listen to Leigh defend this East meets West martial arts mash-up singlehandedly over the voices of Brendan, Chris, and our special guest Matt Zazzarino. Also included: two drinks to help you get through the movie and a very misleading opening. Also consider stalking us @whywatchpodcast on twitter and at facebook.com/whywatchpodcast on Facebook.

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2.5 – Third Impressions

Mini Episode 3 introduces a bad movie you’ve probably never heard of, despite featuring a large cast of names you probably have heard of. To help get us through our next movie, we’ll provide the recipes for two drinks, one for each main character. Trust us, you should drink both before you attempt a viewing. As always, you can also find us @whywatchpodcast on twitter, facebook.com/whywatchpodcast on Facebook, and whywatchpodcast.tumblr.com if you’re into pictures of drinks and stuff.

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2 – Hook

We return from the depths of 1990s nostalgia to discuss Hook, the 1991 Steven Spielberg “classic.” Be prepared for endless discussions about childhood, flights of fancy, and why this movie does neither well. Cap it off with a bunch of twenty-somethings trying to fix a movie that their entire generation seems to have a blind spot for, and baby, you got yourself our second episode.

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1.5 – Let’s Try This Again

On our second mini episode, we reveal our next scheduled movie / drink and discuss Spiked Seltzer, 90s nostalgia, and the untimely death of the screwball comedy genre. Join us again in two weeks for our next full-length episode, and please stalk on social media (@whywatchpodcast on twitter or facebook.com/whywatchpodcast). Without constant validation, we will wither and die.

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1 – The Lone Ranger

Our premiere episode attempts to tackle the wildly uneven 2013 movie The Lone Ranger. Join us as we discuss whitewashing, fantastic action sequences, and the most unsettling framing device from any movie of this millennium. Also, we’re a little buzzed from the drinks. Be gentle.

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0 – Pilots and Premises

Welcome to Why Did We Watch This! Every month, we’ll be asking ourselves that very question as we watch terrible, troubled, and turbid movies and ponder how they could have been saved. Join Leigh Delahanty, Brendan Drischler, and Chris Revelle as we desperately strive to be entertaining while going through the business of explaining our format and introducing our first Why Did We Watch This movie!

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